By: Chase Bailey
Let’s get one thing straight: boys are beautiful. And Miami’s campus seems to have the best choice of prime cut beef. Staring at them is fun, and not staring at them is hard. If you’re like me, looking a guy up and down as he passes you is a daily thing – almost a religious practice. So here’s some tips on how to stare down a guy while still being somewhat discreet.
1. Catch him when he’s distracted.
Let’s be honest, boys get distracted easily. This makes for a prime shot at getting a peek at ‘em. These are times when he’s looking at a nice car driving past (a perfect opportunity to check out his jawline when his head is turned). Or when his wings at Armstrong get called out, because however adverse straight boys might be to gay sex, they can’t help but lick their lips and stare at a pile of sauce-covered meat.
2. Walk past him really closely so he’ll look up.
This is a newfound trick of mine, kids. This tactic is particularly good if you need to confirm whether or not a guy is worth the trouble. If a potential sexy is busy texting God-knows-who and doesn’t have the common courtesy to look up and go full frontal for you, make him. Walk really close by him so that he thinks he might run into you, and when he looks up, take a quick peek at him. If he’s cute, you might just happen to have to actually turn around and find a destination in the direction he’s walking. If you’re really lucky you might even get a whiff of his Axe body spray.
3. Pretend you’re texting to take a picture.
This one’s a classic. Keep your phone angled down just enough so that it looks like you’re texting, but in the general direction of the guy. Tip: Don’t worry about zooming in on his face. This makes it harder to get a clear picture if your hands are a little shaky from seeing this specimen of sex. Take a normal picture and then zoom in on that.
4. Wear dark sunglasses.
Have some free time to kill before your next class? Put on your darkest sunglasses, grab a seat somewhere, and let the men come to you. They won’t be able to see your bulging eyes, but you’ll be able to see their bulging… well, you know. I really recommend setting up camp at Farmer, where you might even find a potential rich husband.
5. Act like you’re stretching to turn around.
Sitting in these long lectures really has your back messed up, so you have to twist around and give your spine a nice stretch. No big deal, nothing to see here. Hold it for a while until you can really sear that hunk of meat’s face in the back of the hall into your mind’s eye before turning around and fantasizing.
6. Pretend you’re staring off into space and thinking.
A little like the sunglass tactic, but better suited for indoors. Seductively bite on your pen and pretend you’re thinking really hard about something for school. He won’t even guess you’re thinking about his really hard…abs… his hard abs.
7. Stalk the roster and find him on Facebook.
If there’s a cutie in one of your classes but you don’t wanna stare at him like he’s your next victim, just check the roster for his full name on Canvas and scroll away at his Facebook profile. This is ideal for seeing how well puberty treated him over the years (you know, to get an idea of what your babies will look like), as well as if he has a girlfriend or not.
8. Just stare at him, damnit.
Listen, sometimes you don’t have much time to be discreet as a hunk is walking past you on the sidewalk. This is a pretty big campus, and chances are you might never see him again, so why not? Live a little, and take a look at what God has graced this world with. I like to follow up a hard core staring with an audible “Are you fucking kidding me?” It really sets the tone for how you feel about him.