Things That Should Be Included In Miami’s Tuition

By Chase Bailey

Let’s face it, Miami’s tuition is muchos dollars and there are just some things that should be complimentary if we’re going to be paying so much every semester.


Here are twelve things that I think should be included in Miami’s tuition:


  1. Puppies stationed on every street corner – because dogs.
  2. Psychic readings – to confirm for us our majors are leading us nowhere.
  3. Charmin Ultrasoft – the single-ply here just isn’t working out. I’m trying to get to class, not wipe for ten minutes. I would say the t.p. here isn’t cutting it, but it has literally cut me more than once.
  4. An Adderall prescription – if we have to stay up all night doing homework we should at least have some help doing it.
  5. Condoms – because college can mean a lot of sex for some people. Let’s make sure it’s safe sex, yeah?
  6. Better toilet paper – seriously.
  7. Quality skin care – because the combination of campus food and booze has made my skin ANGRY.
  8. Tissues – for our tears
  9. Bail money – because blacked out public urination and cops don’t mix.
  10. A good lawyer – for when number 9 isn’t an option.
  11. A wedding venue – so you’ll have a place close by when you decide to marry your sexy French teacher.
  12. Better toilet paper – I’m begging you.

Comment below with what you think should be included in Miami’s tuition.

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