By Angela Hatcher
Ah, Disney movies. The essence of my childhood and the beginning of #lifegoals. How I loved those fictional films.
The keyword there is loved. Past tense, people.
In 2011, the queen of YouTube, Jenna Marbles, opened my eyes with one of her most popular videos — What Disney Movies Taught Me. In typical Jenna Marbles fashion, she highlighted how Disney movies, the princess ones especially, create ridiculously high expectations for young, impressionable guys and gals, setting a precedent of perfection that is unattainable and is really just … fantasy.
Truer words have never been spoken, Ms. Marbles.
So thank you for for waking me up with your real talk and humor and for inspiring this blog post.
Some of these may sound familiar, some may resonate with you more than others. Above all else, these are the reasons why Disney movies have become the bane of my existence.
Without further ado, here are 12 reasons why Disney movies ruined my childhood and gave me unrealistic expectations about life.
Rapunzel, Rapunzel, take out your weave.
I used to think it was cute to tie three hair ties in my hair at the top, middle and bottom … thanks, Jasmine.
3.) And More Hair
Dear Mulan and Cinderella,
How does your hair stay up and off your face when you do not even use a ponytail holder? Why don’t you use a ponytail holder? Explain yourself.
4.) Casually singing in public
Be a man, Mulan? Really? Why not just be a badass chick? And I see you Sleeping Beauty; you can wake yourself up next time, just set two alarms on your iPhone, please and thank you.
6.) Pet expectations
Jasmine had a tiger. Pocahontas had a raccoon and a hummingbird. Mulan had a dragon and a horse. Ariel had a fish and a crab.
I had a dog.
Since when are ball gowns suitable to wear 24/7?
8.) Chatting it up with inanimate objects
I can’t even tell you how many times my friends stared at me when I turned and started gossiping with my clock and candelabra.
Disclaimer: I don’t actually have a candelabra.
Apparently Hostess, McDonald’s, and joy don’t exist in fantasyland. I would like to know how close the nearest Charter Fitness is to Arendelle and whether or not all these princesses are on the Paleo diet.
10.) Falling in love
Because a six minute encounter with the first guy you meet in your life constitutes a trip to city hall and exchanging of vows. Let’s not forget a love song and the classic “happily ever after” …
11.) Bodily functions
If Merida doesn’t have to take showers and pee everyday, I guess I don’t either.
I watched Jasmine fly around on a magic carpet, Mulan slay all of the Huns on a horse and Cinderella being hauled around in a pumpkin carriage.
So I ask you Disney princesses, how did I get stuck in a Honda Odyssey?